All the things I wish I would have known, all the feelings I didn’t know I would have, all the pain and the joy I would feel – written in a letter, to myself
Well done! You have made it to 40 weeks without killing Andy and despite falling over several times you have kept your baby safe for 9 months! You have provided them with the love and nourishment they need to grow and thrive and now they’re ready to meet you. Relish these last days of being pregnant, rest, let other’s do things for you DO NOT WISH YOU WERE IN LABOUR, just chill, baby will be here when they want. For now everything is good, everything is calm, everything is peaceful, everything is NORMAL so enjoy your last few hours with Andy – where it is just the two of you – you will never get this time back. Do not be anxious about what’s to come, just live for the moment.
When you wake up in the middle of the night to find pink waters on the bed sheets, do not panic – nothing is wrong with neither you nor the baby. You are fine. Pink is an OK colour, your waters can be pink – not red, or black or brown – but they can be pink, so its ok. Now breathe, this is the start – your baby is slowly making their way to you. Soon you will hold them. Be calm.
When you have to go into hospital and every man and his wife seem to be looking at your private regions, just relax (and throw your dignity out of the window). Don’t keep putting on pants – now your waters have gone, they’re just going to keep coming until baby arrives so you’re wasting your time wearing anything on your bottom half, you may as well just deal with it. When they tell you that you’re contracting but not regularly enough so you’re going to have to have the drip, it’s ok. That just means that the midwife knows what they’re doing and it’s best for you and baby, so just go with it but be warned – contractions are now not going to break and its going to hurt. Take the gas and air – enjoy being merry and have a good laugh with Andy about the situation you find yourself in. Your midwife is your best friend, listen to her, do what she says, LISTEN to her. Listen to Andy too, he is only trying to help – don’t push him away, he loves you and it’s hurting him – just in a different way. Don’t tell people that you’re not going to scream because YOU ARE. In fact you’re probably going to yell louder than any other mother on the ward, but thats ok because you know what, it hurts so just let it out! Go with the flow of the contractions, it’s fine that it’s too late to have the epidural – you have got this far so you can go the whole way. Do not refuse to push, I know you’re tired and have been going at it for hours, (pushing already for two of those) but you can’t give up now – baby is coming. Remember what you wanted before labour started and stick to it, don’t change your mind because you’re fed up and take advice from Andy – remember he knows you. Just so you know, the pain that you feel as your baby “pops” out will be the strangest pain you have ever felt and it won’t feel nice but just you wait until you see you’re baby.
“IT’S A BOY”, Andy will shout – you have a boy. Take that moment and treasure it for eternity – that’s the reason you remained patient. That feeling right now is why you just did what you did. Enjoy holding him, gazing into his eyes. Don’t worry about what’s going on around you. You’re in safe hands. Forget about everything and just focus on your new family. Your new baby. Noah James. He is finally here. Take that moment because I bet you wish it lasted forever.
That pain that you have continued to feel since giving birth, it’s about to get complicated – but don’t panic – you’re in safe hands and Noah is in the safest hands with his Daddy. You may be given more gas an air and the pain will be worse than the pain you felt giving birth but you will be ok and they will look after you – hey, at least you’re going to get that spinal block that you wanted pre-birth. You will lose a LOT of blood, you will have to go into theatre unexpectedly for a few hours, you will be in one to one care on the labour ward for 3 days, you won’t be able to get out of bed without feeling like you could faint, you won’t be able to walk further than to the door of your room. Your chest will feel like its been crushed by a double decker bus, you will have to have 2 blood transfusions, you will react badly to both of them but you WILL get through it. Just look at the little boy to the left, the one you have created and remind yourself why – forget about the pain and the exhaustion and just look at him. You got him here safely, thanks to you he is in this world. YOU DID GOOD – and yes you may be suffering now, but he is worth it right?
As soon as you feel slightly better, don’t rush to get out of hospital. Take your time. Recover. You may hate post natal ward – it will be different than what you’re used to. Be patient, the midwives are run off their feet, it’s not their fault you haven’t been seen. Please do not rush home, you may feel a little brighter but you’re still not right. Rest whilst you can now, in hospital because once you’re home it’s a different story all together.
For now, enjoy your baby, he won’t be a baby for long – every day that goes by he will get bigger. Soon he will be 7 months and you won’t know where the time has gone. Forgive yourself a little, rest in the day. Do jobs as an when. Don’t rush to get yourself into a routine because you will miss out on all the good bits of Noah growing up. Get out of the house and enjoy some fresh air, make the most of your days and your time with Noah. Don’t be afraid that Andy is going away, you have got this – you’re his mummy and know him better than anyone else. Don’t compare yourself to other mums, just do what you think is right. Lean on your family and your friends, they’ll get you through.
Well done, you’re a great mum, the best you can be. It doesn’t matter when you get it wrong, Noah thinks you’re the world and that’s all that matters.
Continue to make his world lovely.
The future you x